Oh, You Poor Little Ferret!
by Magic Gerbil
Summary: Ron finds a way to repeat the bouncing ferret episode, but an animal-loving student takes action... will Draco have a nervous breakdown?


Oh, You Poor Little Ferret!  
  
My first all-humo(u)r story. I figured I needed an break from the darker stuff, and this just begged to be written. I was thinking about the Moody-turns-Draco-into-ferret episode, and how if that were a real ferret it would be considered cruelty to animals. Everything else grew from there.  
  
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling except for Enid, who is my creation and probably will not appear in any story besides this one.  
  
  
Harry was not in the mood to be woken up. Granted, teenagers seldom are, even teenage wizards. Unfortunately, the knowledge that he was not alone in his plight did little to reconcile Harry to being prodded in the ribs.  
  
"Grrmf," he protested and squinted to see who insisted on waking him at 7:00 on a Sunday morning. Even without his glasses, he could see by the familiar red hair that it was Ron. "What is it?" he tried to say, though it came out as "Whizzit?"  
  
"Quiet," Ron hissed urgently. "Nobody else can hear about this. Listen, I've been doing some research--"  
  
"Why," Harry interrupted in a more coherent manner, "Do you care if anyone knows you've been doing research? Will it ruin your reputation?"  
  
Ron scowled, nostrils flaring. "Let me finish. I've been researching, and," his voice dropped to a thrilled whisper, "I found the spell that Moody - I mean Crouch - used to turn Malfoy into a ferret!"  
  
Harry sat up slowly and reached for his glasses. "I know what you're planning, and I'm not getting involved." He met Ron's scowl with one of his own. "Now I won't be able to get back to sleep."  
  
"Fine," Ron shrugged, ignoring Harry's last sentence. "I'll do it myself. Just don't expect me to take any pictures."  
  
Harry sighed. "Well, I can't fall asleep anyway... all right, I'll help."  
  
"Malfoy," Ron declared as loudly as possible without waking their sleeping dormmates, "Prepare for ferretdom."  
  
--  
  
If this had been a horror story, Draco Malfoy would have been having strange premonitions all morning. He would have been unable to perform his Quidditch practice with the rest of the Slytherin team, and he would have been contemplating a recent nightmare involving giant ferrets. Due to the fact that this is not a horror story, none of the aforementioned things had happened. Indeed, the morning practice had proceeded quite normally aside from the fact that someone had left a Chocolate Frog to melt in the stands, attracting a swarm of bees. The close call by which he had escaped being stung was what occupied Draco's mind as he passed through one of Hogwarts' many hallways on the way back to the Slytherin Dorm.  
  
"There he is!" shouted a voice, more excited than sinister. Draco had only time to glimpse two heads, one red-haired and the other bespectacled, before the world began to spin. Once the dizzying sensation ceased, he found himself looking at the floor from a much shorter distance than usual. Upon trying to get up, he discovered that he had not fallen down. No, all four of his paws were touching the floor. Wait - paws? With the sinking realization that he was no longer human came the unusually loud noise of approaching footsteps.  
  
"Just like last time!" the voice from a moment before continued triumphantly. Draco looked up - several feet up - into the face of a delighted Ron Weasley.  
  
"It actually worked," Harry stated, impressed. He reached out and poked Draco's side with one finger. "He's a ferret."  
  
"Now that you've scientifically proven it," Ron remarked sardonically. A smirk spread across his face. "Can't go running to your father now, can you? Do ferrets have fathers?" Draco attempted to scramble away but slipped on the freshly waxed floor.  
  
Harry snorted. "Of course ferrets have fathers. They just aren't in a position to try to fire Dumbledore or sell Dark Magic stuff." A decidedly evil gleam appeared in his green eyes. "The question is, how did Moody - I mean Crouch - get him to bounce?"  
  
"Only one way to find out," Ron replied gleefully and reached for the Malfoy-ferret. Before his hand could close around the scruff of the animal's neck, Draco's ferret instincts took over. He bit Ron's finger hard. "Ow!" Ron jerked his hand away, but Draco's teeth remained firmly clamped. With a mighty shake, Ron sent the ferret flying.  
  
"Accio ferret!" called a third voice, and Draco's course changed abruptly. After a split-second of whizzing through the air, he landed upon an outstretched arm. "I can't believe this!" continued the voice.  
  
Harry and Ron looked guiltily at the new arrival, a girl with short curly hair who Harry vaguely recognized as one of Ginny's friends. "Put it down, Enid," Ron implored.  
  
Enid ignored him. "How dare you!" she began, voice trembling almost comically in indignation. "How dare you hurt this poor animal!" Placing her wand in her pocket, she used her now-free hand to check Draco for injuries. "I would expect this of that horrible Malfoy, maybe, but not from you!" She turned her enraged gaze from the two Gryffindor boys to Draco, and her eyes softened. "You poor, poor thing," she murmured. Then, snapping back to Ron and Harry: "Whose is it?"  
  
"It's nobody's," Harry tried to explain. "You don't understand. It isn't really a ferret at all."  
  
Enid sniffed scornfully. "Oh, it's one of Ron's chess pieces that you Transfigured into a ferret. How stupid do you think I am?" Still carrying Draco, she pivoted sharply and headed for the Gryffindor dorms, crooning "Poor sweet little thing... I'll take care of you..."  
  
Harry and Ron looked at each other helplessly. The Ron began to chuckle. "Can you imagine? Draco Malfoy living out the rest of his life as somebody's pet!"  
  
--  
  
Draco was feeling distinctly uncomfortable. He wasn't used to much physical contact with others, and here he was, being cradled by some disgusting Gryffindor who probably wasn't even a pureblood. What would Lucius say?  
  
"I'm so sorry they hurt you," Enid continued her soft stream of words. "I don't know how anyone could do anything so horrible." She looked down at her cargo, and tears began to form in her eyes. "You poor, poor thing. Don't worry, I'll make sure nobody ever hurts you again." One small hand scratched behind Draco's ears. "I never would've pegged Harry and Ron as that type of person, though. I mean, I know Ginny says Ron is annoying, but I figured that was just a sibling thing." A sigh escaped her, ruffling Draco's hair - er, fur. "People just don't seem to understand that animals have thoughts and feelings, too."  
  
After the trauma of being turned into a rodent, Draco found the girl's maudlin babbling almost soothing. His fur was beginning to settle when he realized that Enid had just entered the Gryffindor common room. The haunt of the despised; the stronghold of the enemy - an enemy who persisted in seeing him as a cute little animal, no less.  
  
"Oh, good, nobody's here," Enid muttered. Draco wondered if she always had this habit of talking to herself. "Don't worry; I'll ask around for your owner as soon as the others get back from breakfast. And if I don't find out, I'll interrogate those horrible boys until they tell me." An anomalous glare crossed her face. "I still can't believe they were being so cruel to you. And such a cute little ferret, too..." She hugged Ferret-Draco closer as he realized that she was on her way to - the horror! - a girls' dormitory. Efforts to escape were in vain; Enid was apparently trained in gently but firmly restraining animals.  
  
Once inside the dormitory, Enid shut the door firmly and set Draco on a pillow. She then hefted a large book, entitled "The Care and Feeding of Rodents," and began to page through it. "Ferret, ferret," she muttered absently. "Here we go." Seeing that his captor was momentarily distracted, Draco cautiously scrambled off of the pillow and moved to the edge of the bed, contemplating the drop to the floor.  
  
It was, he decided, a risk in the name of pride. He coiled his muscles and jumped, landing in a tangled heap on the floor. Before Enid could intercede, Draco had gotten to his feet and was racing toward the door as fast as his little legs could carry him. He didn't bother trying to reach the door handle, but squeezed his nose and then his head underneath the door. It was then that he discovered that his ribcage wasn't as compact as his skull - to put it bluntly, he was stuck.  
  
"Not the best method of escape," Enid commented wryly. Draco could barely hear her, since his ears were on the other side of the door. "Honestly, you're one crazy ferret - I'm the one who saved you, remember?" Her tone softened and Draco could imagine her ridiculously bovine eyes softening as well. "But you're probably just scared of people, right? Poor darling. Here, push your snout down as far as it'll go and I'll see what I can do." In the interest of self-preservation, Draco complied. Enid carefully placed her fingers around Draco's ribs and pulled him backwards and into the dormitory. It was, he had to admit, a painless procedure.  
  
In a matter of seconds, Draco found himself seated, or as close to seated as a ferret can be, on a small desk while Enid kept an eagle eye on him. Attempting to multitask, she waved her wand halfheartedly over some buttons, probably trying to turn them into ferret food. Draco decided that a direct escape was out of the question. Lucius would rather have a living but humiliated son than a proudly dead one.  
  
"What are you doing now?" Enid watched curiously as Draco took a quill pen between his teeth. He climbed onto a piece of parchment and gave his best try at writing, but was interrupted when Enid giggled. "That quill has no ink on it. Use this one." She substituted another feather and Draco, flaring his nostrils in indignation, attempted again. After a few laborious minutes, he managed to scrawl "NOT FERRET."  
  
Enid inhaled sharply. "You're not a ferret?" she repeated. Draco bobbed his head. Enid simply stared. "Does that mean..." she pushed a curl behind her ear. "If I kiss you, will you turn into a prince?" Draco shook his head so vehemently that he could almost feel his brain rattling. "OK, OK," Enid assured hurriedly. "I didn't think so."  
  
Too tired to write "Change me back," Draco simply swallowed his pride and stood in "begging" position. "You want me to turn you back into... whatever you were?" Enid guessed. Draco nodded. "Let's see..." she drew her wand from her pocket. "Finite Incantatem." In a flash of light, a human Draco Malfoy sat on the desk.  
  
"Hey!" Enid jumped back, to Draco's amusement, looking almost wounded. "You're that Malfoy brat!" Her previously gentle mien vanished, replaced with the hostility almost every Gryffindor bore toward Draco. "Get out of my dorm!"  
  
"You're the one who brought me in," Draco pointed out. "I wasn't exactly happy about it, either."  
  
"Well," Enid declared, "now I'm sending you out, whether you're happy about it or not."  
  
"Believe me, I'm thrilled." Draco leaped lightly from the desk and promptly fell down, unaccustomed to his normal weight. As he sat up, something else occured to him. "That is," he amended, "I'd be thrilled if people weren't going to see me emerging from one of the Gryffindor girls' dormitories."  
  
Enid rolled her eyes. "I feel your pain - or at least, I would if you hadn't called me the M-word last year." She smiled coldly. "Out you go, before I start getting angry. I have a feeling your wand is back with Ron and Harry."  
  
Again, Draco decided to choose the lesser of two humiliations. "Don't make me go out there! I can hear people!" He looked imploringly up at the younger student from his place on the floor. "Couldn't you create a diversion so I could sneak out unnoticed? You have my solemn promise that I'll never call you that again." He widened his eyes, trying to look innocent.  
  
"You have something in common with Ron and Harry," Enid noted. "All three of you think I was born yesterday. There are three truisms in life - a country should never be judged by its politicians, animals are nicer than people, and Draco Malfoy never keeps a promise unless blackmailed into it."  
  
"Blackmail me into it then!" Draco concluded desperately. "If I call you anything, you can tell everyone I was in here, all right? Just distract those people or my life will be completely ruined." He clasped his hands together and said the most dreaded of words - "Please?"  
  
"Oh, fine." Enid slammed down her rodent care book. "Just because I can't take seeing your ugly face for one more instant." With a toss of her head, she exited the room, muttering "Thank heaven I didn't kiss him." Draco sighed in relief, barely noticing Enid's insult, and got to his feet. A glance in the mirror showed him that his hair was mussed, and he occupied himself in fixing it as Enid said something that caused the occupants of the common room to run yelling away.  
  
"Done," announced Enid as she reentered the room. Catching sight of Draco fixing his hair, she laughed coldly. "You really are an arrogant brat. Now get out of my dorm, and remember - one incident of name-calling and everyone will know about this."  
  
"I know, I know," Draco groaned. "By the way," he addended as he neared the portrait exit, "What did you tell everybody?"  
  
"That someone had bewitched you into waltzing with Mrs. Norris in the next hallway," Enid replied serenely. Draco, in no position to complain, made his exit as quickly as possible.  
  
Enid looked after him and sighed. "So much for animals being cute and friendly." 


End file.
